TRUMP TOWER DAMASCUS: PEACE, REVENUE, AND POOLSIDE CEASEFIRES

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Revenue, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Revenue, and Poolside Ceasefires

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Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Earnings, and Poolside Ceasefires


By Team Satirist | SpinTaxi Journal | Verified by a Camouflaged Sommelier and 4 Retired UN Observers



DAMASCUS- If peace have been a penthouse, it will feature a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker entry. That's the vision powering Trump Tower Damascus, the latest geopolitical growth-slash-luxury real-estate calamity introduced by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and least-sued architects.


Yes, The person who place casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Picture catalogs has now established his eye on the center East. And never the standard Dubai skyline filler either-no, we are chatting Damascus, the city Traditionally known for historical tradition, fatal proxy wars, and now… infinity pools with sights of contested airspace.


"It is going to be tremendous. Huge!" Trump declared by way of a leaked golfing cart Zoom get in touch with, streamed from the Placing green within Mar-a-Lago's Scenario Bunker. "We have had lovely ceasefires in Syria. Several of the best. But now, we're making them with balconies."



Welcome for the Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour


The 88-Tale gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus like a shaved alpaca in the falafel stand-confused, majestic, and fully out of spot. Built by Slovenian agency Ivana & Sons, the tower capabilities:




  • A 3-flooring On line casino du Caliphate




  • The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation




  • A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Delighted Hour until the drone flies")




  • As well as a nine/eleven-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officials politely described as "deeply American."




Eyewitnesses noted combined reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, an area textile service provider, sighed, "We waited 10 yrs for potable h2o. But Certainly, positive, let's have One more position wherever American Adult males can have on robes and call it diplomacy."


Meanwhile, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes therapeutic." When questioned how, she replied, "With velvet curtains and also a pillow menu, certainly."



Ceasefire by Cabana


U.S. overseas coverage analysts are calling this essentially the most audacious peace attempt since Kissinger unintentionally joined a rave in Cyprus. When past negotiations failed under the burden of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's prepare is simpler: give Anyone a collection around the 72nd ground and comp their mojitos.


In line with documents released on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal involves "luxurious diplomacy":




  • Ceasefires brokered by towel boys




  • Poolside arbitration involving rebel leaders




  • A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, total with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.




"This is often delicate power," explained political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian TV, wielding a agreement in addition to a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO isn't going to. Geopolitical gridlock requires fewer diplomats plus much more minibar updates."



What the Critics Are Screaming


Worldwide watchdogs have sounded the alarm, typically into gold-plated intercoms installed in Every single device. The UN Particular Rapporteur for Conflict of Fascination mentioned, "It is not that Trump should not open up a tower inside of a war zone. It is that he really should prevent using it to lease ballroom Area to mercenaries."


Joe Biden, when questioned about the venture, replied, "You understand, gentleman, I after rode a camel in Beirut. Good individuals. Fantastic tan. Anyway, do I nonetheless have that ice product?"


In the meantime, The Hague has reserved a collection for "foreseeable future evidence storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has formally referred to your tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Manufacturing facility in the Levant."



Satellite Pictures Expose… Trumpface Landscaping


Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit discovered that the hotel's landscaping forms an enormous Trump head noticeable from space, a element getting marketed as "desert-evidence branding." The mustache is produced from refugee tents and the chin is… perfectly, labeled.


Environmental teams have filed lawsuits after acquiring the constructing's gold plating mirrored much daylight it spontaneously blinded a few migrating storks and established fire to an area melon cart.


"It is really not only unsightly. It is a war criminal offense with curtains," reported Amnesty Intercontinental's regional director.



The Melania Wing and various Complicated Options


Perhaps the strangest factor of your tower is its Melania Wing, which consists of:




  • A silent atrium where by visitors may possibly ponder imprecise disappointment




  • A replica of her Slovenian bedroom, comprehensive with local climate Command established to "distant"




  • A museum of expressions, which includes her "I don't care, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic Show.




Regional Syrians are Not sure what for making of the. "Is she a ghost?" questioned twelve-12 months-outdated Ahmad, pointing to your holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.



Marketing Strategy: "In the event you Bomb It, They'll Come"


The advert marketing campaign, a short while ago leaked by means of the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is Daring. A single poster reads:


"Peace is Temporary. Luxurious is Endlessly."


Yet another slogan, now circulating in Beirut coffee stores:


"A Tower So Huge, Even Assad Has to note."


Public reception is wildly divided. A recent SnapPoll carried out inside a hookah lounge displays:




  • 34% say "it'd stabilize the realm"




  • 29% say "this may escalate regional kitsch"




  • eighteen% mentioned "where's the nearest elevator to the West Financial institution?"





Trader Praise: "Last but not least, a Disaster That Pays"


The task is currently attracting awareness from international traders, such as:




  • A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights as being a international minister




  • The Russian Guild of Oligarchs




  • And an nameless TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who mentioned he'll invest in three penthouses "simply to flex on Hezbollah."




In keeping with a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's commercial degree can even consist of:




  • A Greenback Retail store of Geopolitical Alliances




  • A Concept Park Identified as 'SanctionsLand'




  • And an Escape Space Determined by the Iraq War





Comment Area Chaos


About the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb posting about the revealing, person @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:


"Cannot wait to determine a wedding in the middle of a ceasefire. Hope they throw grenades instead of rice."


User @SyrianSnarkLord commented:


"Finally, a lodge where by my PTSD might have convert-down assistance."


A different put up from @KuwaitiKardashian just asked:


"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"



Diplomatic Domino Outcome


U.S. officers fret the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Real Estate Arms Race." Stories propose:




  • China may open up the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad



    • Trump Tower Damascus

  • Putin's daughter is scheduling a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk




  • And Elon Musk has allegedly made available to construct a Tesla showroom to the Golan Heights driven by Uncooked ambition and goat milk.




Even the Vatican has gotten concerned. In keeping with https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has provided to bless the plumbing… but only if he can rename the highest ground "The Holy See-Level Suite."



Last Feelings within the Trump Basis for Peace & Pancakes™


Inside a closing ceremony that concerned 3 camels, a flamethrower, and also a hologram of Reagan supplying a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed more than the speakers:


"Damascus necessary hope. It essential gold. It desired a waterslide formed like the Constitution. I gave it all three. You're welcome."

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